Here I go again!

I've struggled with my weight most of, if not all of, my life. Over the last few years I've made some peace with my body; the sight of it in the mirror doesn't make me cringe anymore. But what I have not been able to accept, nor should I ever become complacent about, is how I hold myself back because of the fear of negative reactions from others due to my obesity. I am not reaching my potential-in every single aspect of my life-in part because of my unfit body.

First and foremost, I am not the mother I want to be. I am not setting a healthy example, and I do not have the energy or stamina to keep an active lifestyle with my family. I am not feeding my kids the kind of nutritious meals I should be. While I go out of my way to instill a strong sense of self in my daughters, the fact that I don't demonstrate that I value myself by taking care of my body has got to have an impact on them. My son is already overweight and self-conscious as a teenager....I've passed on a genetic disposition for a slow metabolism as well as shoddy eating habits, so I have a lot of damage to undo to give him a new lease on life.

I know my relationship suffers because of my fitness level. My husband, Brian, is extremely fit and athletic, and I just can in no way keep up with him. He loves me as I am, but not loving my body's appearance unclothed makes it difficult to be as comfortable with intimacy as we'd both like me to be.

Socially I am a bit more awkward than I would be otherwise. I say I won't do karaoke because of my awful voice, and my voice certainly does resemble a squawking avian more than a human. But it's more the absolutely paralyzing terror that being on a stage in front of people strikes in me that keeps me in the audience. The Angel that my new friends get is only half of the Angel I have to offer. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of rejection, and I'm scared of feeling not good enough. Too much, or not enough....too much flesh and not enough of everything else. So i hold back, because I suppose if I get rejected, well..it wasn't *really* ME who was rejected, was it?

My obesity even has an impact at work. How can I be an example and model being an empowered, confident woman who values herself if I can't even get control of my caloric intake? I know in my head that most of that inadequacy is just my own baggage, but my heart drives me, and my heart insists that I am a failure because I am fat.

So, here I am. 32 years old. 242 pounds. A size 18/20.

And ready to make a change. For life.

For Brian. For Christian. For Kristopher. For Emily and Faith. For Nana. For my friends. For my clients.

But mostly, for me.